29A — Who the hell wants to die alone...

These are some 11PM musings, which I suppose is late given this new frame of reference. Take them with a grain of salt.
I'm trying to figure out why I feel so depressed and stressed, and I think it's possible that because I wasn't really pushed or stressed by external factors until about sophomore year (and even then in a lesser magnitude than currently and when compared to people in more competitive environments), I developed my own internal anxieties and stress feedback loops that made sure I would actually accomplish things beyond the mundanity of school. (Stress is a depressingly good motivator for me, despite its soul-crushing characteristics.) Those have finally backfired on me, now that the stress is of real magnitude, and I find myself falling into spirals of self-doubt and worry. *sigh.* Tomorrow will be rough.
Update: 11:30 PM. One of my friends just posted a question on their insta story—when was the last time you felt truly free? I thought about RSI, and being open there, which makes me sad because it shows that who I am, at least at home, to me, feels like a constraint which I am helplessly beholden to. (His question went on to discuss being disconnected from everything except your truest natural instincts, which is sort of different from my primary interpretation. In that case, I haven't been free for a very, very long time.) I feel like I should want to cry, but I think we've sunk past that point already to the realm of feeling your heart collapsing within you.
Update: 11:40 PM. Apparently I can't stop typing today. I just realized how mundane and first-world these problems are. To be complaining almost feels disrespectful to those whose struggles are much worse than mine and yet survive with minimal complaint. Sadly, however, human pain is not absolute, and so the magnitude is still felt just as intensely, despite its broader insignificance.
—————
A slightly less depressed me is writing this now, and it's been almost 24 hours since that mood washed over me, which is good. I got up at 6:30, and my morning was generally uneventful. I went to morning orchestra, where I discovered that I could not play the piece at hand, and then AP Psych, where we slowly made our way through some introductory notes. Spanish was mostly review activities and bookwork, and Orchestra was again a reminder that I can not play the all-state music, although most of it was spent reviewing the most basic repertoire that we play every year (which was exceptionally mundane).
During lunch, I met with my counselor and gave her all the things she needed to write me a recommendation letter/get my necessary materials uploaded. We're on our way to completing applications! I'm excited. After I got my Mines VPN working, I submitted my Colorado Mines application (with one optional essay completed), so the first application is in the bag. The ball has started rolling, and we're only going to gain momentum from here. I still haven't touched the edits on my Common App essay, but I think we'll get there soon (that's also the longest essay I have to write, so that's good.)
Cardio was mostly measurements today. I found out that I was three pounds lighter than I thought I was and an inch taller than I thought I was, which basically means I'm just very skinny. Unsurprising. I think I'm going to start flaunting being a senior a bit more in this class, because these kids are ridiculous, and maybe I can instill some basic respect in them, despite how much I hate putting myself out there.
I had lunch after I got home (on the way back, Some Nights came on the radio, which was really uplifting for some reason), and then did nothing for an hour or two, after which I slept for about two or three hours. This seemed like a huge chunk out of my possible productivity, but I somehow managed to do my AP Bio, AP Psych, and my Spanish homework still, while also getting a little bit of Calculus in. Interesting.
Tomorrow, I get my first Calc test back. Also, the dreaded mile run...hopefully I haven't gotten too much worse.

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