156A — I could be more clever...

Today was slightly better than yesterday, but not by much.

My body continued to be exhausted even after sleep this morning, and I almost lacked all my motivation to even get up today. (There's a (prose) poem about that later in this blog, stay tuned.) From there, my day went slightly better, but not by much, and only because I had to put off the debate work from today to tomorrow to save my soul and ability to function.

I got to school at a reasonable time, and proceeded to trundle my way through AP Psych (mostly boring, notes and work time), Spanish 4 (which was better, because political discussion, but also because it was swear word day!), and then Orchestra, where I was once again assigned to an ensemble with low motivation and no music selected (at least it gave us an excuse to not play? I kind of need to play though, so that's a mixed bag). From there, lunch, during which I watched the House conduct its daily business because I could find nothing better to do that I could actually motivate myself to do and wrote the poem which is included in today's blog.

From lunch I went to Cardio, which was an actually relatively interesting discussion of vaccines and what is required and the diseases they prevent, partially because some of it was actually intellectually interesting. No exercise was done either, which was exceptionally beneficial to my experience of the class, and after class I proceeded to sightread and run through my solo for the first time, which is not too difficult, but also hard enough that it will need to be practiced, which I suppose is perfect but also similarly disheartening as it means more effort. Oh well. Hopefully things will work themselves out soon.

I spent the rest of my free period watching the House again (and ignoring the Senate because that chamber is literally less productive than I am) and working on AP Psych homework, before going to Scibowl practice which was pretty chill. We did a lot of just random discussion, which was fun, and in many cases we got to diverge to discuss politics and history and whatnot, which helped me feel a little better. We also scored a decent amount of points given the round difficulty, so that solidified some of my confidence in our team. It's going to be great.

From there, I went home for a very brief bit and then went to robotics, where we made some progress on the problems we were facing yesterday, although not quite as much as we wanted to. Despite that, the practice was relatively productive, and the fact that I went home slightly earlier compounded that feeling. After dinner, I did some homework and then wrote today's poem (which was very short; I blame the prompt (animals) but also my lack of energy), this blog, and also talked to people who were very supportive, which was nice.

Now, a poem.

There is a vast gulf between wanting to die and wanting to kill oneself—and I am somewhere on that water, an insignificant boat on an overwhelming sea. Exhausted, spent, I lay there, pinned to my bed of unaccomplishment, unable to rise, to gain the energy to row myself to shore, back to land, back to safety. Instead, I bleed my reserves into my environment—hours and hours of time and energy—slowing me down, keeping me in this current which will take me somewhere—anywhere—I might proceed to follow.

I feel like I've explored this theme before on the blog, but couldn't find it. So here's the thing. I don't think people realize how big the difference between wanting to die and wanting to commit suicide is until they experience wanting to die. It's so very interesting, and frames life from an...interesting perspective, to say the least.

Tomorrow, a haircut and a lot of debate (including packing!). Not sure what else; not sure what else of that what else I really care about either. It'll be fine one way or another. Hopefully.