219A — Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road...
This post was unfortunately pinned because of long discussion, and not because it was particularly good. Also, it contains a variety of self-disclosing elements which may sound narcissistic. They probably are narcissistic, but the author does not intend this, because he hates himself as much as you probably do by this point.
This post also just generally contains more than I would normally put in a blog post, so it might get cut later if I read it again. Not sure, just needed a place to put all the feels.
Snow day number one was a very mild success. Tomorrow, snow day number two, which will be exceptionally exciting, primarily because I will actually be rested enough to have the energy to catch up on all my AP Bio assignments (a task I am not exceedingly far from).
I got up this morning relatively late and did, as far as I can tell from my time-tracking, about nothing until about 3 PM. This is because I was monitoring the snow situation (where dry air was holding off precipitation until much later than previously expected, limiting our appreciation of the necessity of a snow day, and the possibility of one tomorrow), as well as watching some Brexit stuff go down. (Theresa May sounded like a disappointed schoolteacher. It was fun.) I started working on some AP Bio after that, and that work vaguely continued throughout the day, all adding up to the completion of a meager two assignments, compared to the 5 or 6 which I must complete to be caught up tomorrow. It shouldn't be too much of a problem (and hopefully I'll still have some time to read as well tomorrow), but we'll see how it goes.
A few hours before dinner, school was canceled for tomorrow, a result of a serious blizzard which finally entered town and currently has deposited at least 4 inches or more of snow, as well as resulted in the closure of 200+ miles of interstate and a No Travel Advisory for our county (which was announced on a site also hosted on Blogger which looks infinitely worse than even this one). As a result, dinner tonight was dumplings. That was exciting. After dinner, my sister and I finally finished the last episode of Sherlock, which was a bit of a trip, but quite fun nonetheless.
Since I have some tonight, however, I'll spend my time writing about some stuff, which will probably result in this post getting pinned, although in either case tomorrow's blog might override it.
First, just some random details about what I'm planning on reading. I'm hoping to get a little more through Ignorance (the book Columbia sent me), read some of the Scientific American issues that I haven't had time to recently, and also maybe get back into Algorithms to Live By or When Breath Becomes Air if I have time. The goal is to lose myself so I forget the time MIT decisions come out, and it doesn't matter whether that's through reading or doing homework.
Second, we covered some stuff in AP Psych recently that caught my attention in relation to humanistic perspectives of personality and whatnot. In particular, we started first with Carl Roger's focus on genuineness, acceptance, and empathy, which was kind of interesting to me because the slide on acceptance discussed the idea of "unconditional positive regard", which I definitely lack in a variety of situations. I generally have a positive view of people as human beings, but especially when in relation to self the idea rapidly dissipates. Genuineness is something I also struggle with to some extent, primarily because of a lack of identity combined with years of suppression, so that's also no fun, and empathy is something I am at the very least actively working on. Essentially, I am an extremely flawed human being (and that is why you should accept me into your college @MIT \sarcasm).
In the same vein (in the outline, this would be labeled point 2B), the idea of self-concept and possible selves is also very interesting, since it reveals to me some form of innate egotistical nature for me. I definitely have a negative self-concept—my ideal self is a Platonic ideal that will never be achieved because it requires me to not get tired or sick in literally any situation—but there were a few questions posed about "three things we want in life" and "three things we would want if we could get anything we wanted." My responses to these, however honest, seemed to clash with the fundamental Platonic ideal of some level of selflessness and yet self-acceptance. I'll list them below for clarification, but I probably won't discuss them. I make myself uncomfortable with my wants.
"Want in life"
1. To have a close, tight-knit group of long-term friends
2. To feel like I've had a strong, positive impact on others (commentary: it is interesting to me that I chose 'feel like' as the presupposition to this 'want', but I think it captures some self-centering)
3. To not over-stress myself
"Want if we could get anything we wanted" (or some phrasing to that extent)
1. To have the ability to live in a world not plagued by systemic inequalities
2. To have an outstanding contribution to a field of scientific merit (commentary: notice how the tone/focus changes; also, by scientific merit we mean NOT psychology (/s))
3. To be appreciated by everyone around me to an extent that satisfies my internal narcissism (hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm)
I suppose the problem is this: I have too poor of self-esteem to not require external validation, but the acquisition of and necessity for this external validation makes me also feel bad about myself as a human being, lowering my self-esteem further, thus beginning a vicious cycle of a sort. It's a great time.
Third, recent stress levels and the lack of places for them to be displaced without robotics practice means my emotions and hormones are going f—ing wild right now, so I've pining for things I really shouldn't have; in particular, relationships. This would be fine, except for it's a horrific time of the year for this, given that I'm leaving for college in an alarmingly low number of months. (I am also still tempted, if it were even possible (which it probably isn't because I'm a horrible human being), by the idea of a "cute and wholesome second semester senior year relationship.") I haven't figured out how I feel about this right now, especially with the immediacy (in a variety of senses) of some of the people I am having some level of feelings for, but it just annoys me that I must suffer through this angst right now. I just want cuddling and mutual appreciation right now. Is that so bad to admit? Hugs? I put up some level of façade at home against this, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure how I feel about any of this, because I hate holding it in like an overfilled bag of emotions about to explode, but also hate actively displaying emotions. If you know me well enough to have some method of private communication with me, please message me. I need some place to spill over a bit.
Fourth and finally, tomorrow, there will be AP Bio homework, and reading, but there will also be the release of MIT decisions. I am still hoping for good news, and I am still hoping to distract myself enough to not be constantly stressed about the outcome, but I place less and less emphasis on MIT. Columbia financial aid came out today for me, and it's not cheap, but it's certainly quite a bit better than Caltech. Times are exciting, although they will be more exciting if I can nab another college or two in the next few weeks. Or maybe tomorrow...? Time will tell. In any case, this upcoming decision (which has probably already been made by the time I write this) is one that is most likely to have some significant impact on my life. What impact it is remains to be seen.
This post also just generally contains more than I would normally put in a blog post, so it might get cut later if I read it again. Not sure, just needed a place to put all the feels.
Snow day number one was a very mild success. Tomorrow, snow day number two, which will be exceptionally exciting, primarily because I will actually be rested enough to have the energy to catch up on all my AP Bio assignments (a task I am not exceedingly far from).
I got up this morning relatively late and did, as far as I can tell from my time-tracking, about nothing until about 3 PM. This is because I was monitoring the snow situation (where dry air was holding off precipitation until much later than previously expected, limiting our appreciation of the necessity of a snow day, and the possibility of one tomorrow), as well as watching some Brexit stuff go down. (Theresa May sounded like a disappointed schoolteacher. It was fun.) I started working on some AP Bio after that, and that work vaguely continued throughout the day, all adding up to the completion of a meager two assignments, compared to the 5 or 6 which I must complete to be caught up tomorrow. It shouldn't be too much of a problem (and hopefully I'll still have some time to read as well tomorrow), but we'll see how it goes.
A few hours before dinner, school was canceled for tomorrow, a result of a serious blizzard which finally entered town and currently has deposited at least 4 inches or more of snow, as well as resulted in the closure of 200+ miles of interstate and a No Travel Advisory for our county (which was announced on a site also hosted on Blogger which looks infinitely worse than even this one). As a result, dinner tonight was dumplings. That was exciting. After dinner, my sister and I finally finished the last episode of Sherlock, which was a bit of a trip, but quite fun nonetheless.
Since I have some tonight, however, I'll spend my time writing about some stuff, which will probably result in this post getting pinned, although in either case tomorrow's blog might override it.
First, just some random details about what I'm planning on reading. I'm hoping to get a little more through Ignorance (the book Columbia sent me), read some of the Scientific American issues that I haven't had time to recently, and also maybe get back into Algorithms to Live By or When Breath Becomes Air if I have time. The goal is to lose myself so I forget the time MIT decisions come out, and it doesn't matter whether that's through reading or doing homework.
Second, we covered some stuff in AP Psych recently that caught my attention in relation to humanistic perspectives of personality and whatnot. In particular, we started first with Carl Roger's focus on genuineness, acceptance, and empathy, which was kind of interesting to me because the slide on acceptance discussed the idea of "unconditional positive regard", which I definitely lack in a variety of situations. I generally have a positive view of people as human beings, but especially when in relation to self the idea rapidly dissipates. Genuineness is something I also struggle with to some extent, primarily because of a lack of identity combined with years of suppression, so that's also no fun, and empathy is something I am at the very least actively working on. Essentially, I am an extremely flawed human being (and that is why you should accept me into your college @MIT \sarcasm).
In the same vein (in the outline, this would be labeled point 2B), the idea of self-concept and possible selves is also very interesting, since it reveals to me some form of innate egotistical nature for me. I definitely have a negative self-concept—my ideal self is a Platonic ideal that will never be achieved because it requires me to not get tired or sick in literally any situation—but there were a few questions posed about "three things we want in life" and "three things we would want if we could get anything we wanted." My responses to these, however honest, seemed to clash with the fundamental Platonic ideal of some level of selflessness and yet self-acceptance. I'll list them below for clarification, but I probably won't discuss them. I make myself uncomfortable with my wants.
"Want in life"
1. To have a close, tight-knit group of long-term friends
2. To feel like I've had a strong, positive impact on others (commentary: it is interesting to me that I chose 'feel like' as the presupposition to this 'want', but I think it captures some self-centering)
3. To not over-stress myself
"Want if we could get anything we wanted" (or some phrasing to that extent)
1. To have the ability to live in a world not plagued by systemic inequalities
2. To have an outstanding contribution to a field of scientific merit (commentary: notice how the tone/focus changes; also, by scientific merit we mean NOT psychology (/s))
3. To be appreciated by everyone around me to an extent that satisfies my internal narcissism (hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm)
I suppose the problem is this: I have too poor of self-esteem to not require external validation, but the acquisition of and necessity for this external validation makes me also feel bad about myself as a human being, lowering my self-esteem further, thus beginning a vicious cycle of a sort. It's a great time.
Third, recent stress levels and the lack of places for them to be displaced without robotics practice means my emotions and hormones are going f—ing wild right now, so I've pining for things I really shouldn't have; in particular, relationships. This would be fine, except for it's a horrific time of the year for this, given that I'm leaving for college in an alarmingly low number of months. (I am also still tempted, if it were even possible (which it probably isn't because I'm a horrible human being), by the idea of a "cute and wholesome second semester senior year relationship.") I haven't figured out how I feel about this right now, especially with the immediacy (in a variety of senses) of some of the people I am having some level of feelings for, but it just annoys me that I must suffer through this angst right now. I just want cuddling and mutual appreciation right now. Is that so bad to admit? Hugs? I put up some level of façade at home against this, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure how I feel about any of this, because I hate holding it in like an overfilled bag of emotions about to explode, but also hate actively displaying emotions. If you know me well enough to have some method of private communication with me, please message me. I need some place to spill over a bit.
Fourth and finally, tomorrow, there will be AP Bio homework, and reading, but there will also be the release of MIT decisions. I am still hoping for good news, and I am still hoping to distract myself enough to not be constantly stressed about the outcome, but I place less and less emphasis on MIT. Columbia financial aid came out today for me, and it's not cheap, but it's certainly quite a bit better than Caltech. Times are exciting, although they will be more exciting if I can nab another college or two in the next few weeks. Or maybe tomorrow...? Time will tell. In any case, this upcoming decision (which has probably already been made by the time I write this) is one that is most likely to have some significant impact on my life. What impact it is remains to be seen.
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