220A — If you love me, let me go...
All posts have been unpinned because things have changed, but I have not written about the changes deeply enough to warrant pinning a new post. Maybe tomorrow.
Today was a pretty good day. Despite this, I am still kind of internally disappointed/stressed by the emotional rollercoaster I subject myself to sometimes. I think the problem is that I fail to properly label the things I feel—maybe the stress I was feeling about MIT was being displaced towards relationships (although I don't know why it would have chosen this specific direction). Maybe it's just that certain floods of dopamine override/wash out other emotions, and it might just fade with time. I'm not sure.
In any case, today I successfully completed my goal of getting two out of the six schools remaining in the regular round (counting the Columbia likely), because I was accepted to MIT! There's not a 100% chance I end up going here, especially if I get one of Harvard or Stanford, or if I get really good financial aid from a different school, but the odds are bent pretty far in MIT's favor. Here's how the day went:
9:00 AM: Wake up, schedule a Yale interview for 11:00 AM, go back to sleep.
10:00 AM: Get up, eat breakfast, do nothing for a bit, and then get ready for the Yale interview.
11:00 AM: Conduct a twenty minute or so Yale interview, and then begin slow trudge towards doing AP Bio work.
12:00-4:00 PM: Eat lunch. Then begin switching between focused AP Bio work and YouTube videos to keep self distracted and keep time moving. (During this time, I completed and submitted one AP Bio assignment, and got relatively far on another, although its size stressed me out. I just need to do four assignments to be caught up though, so we're pretty close to on track.)
4:00-about 4:24 PM: Refresh decisions in the background occasionally while working slowly through some assignments.
About 4:24 or 4:25 PM (three or four minutes before the alleged release time): Note that the website has changed. Click through before even thinking about the fact that it means decisions have been released.
Thankfully, my autopilot mode check was greeted by an acceptance letter. My productive day essentially stopped there, and after various celebration by and with friends online I went outside and built two mini-snowmen with my sister, and laid inside the 1 in a big 3.14 I wrote in the snow. From there, we went out to dinner in the snow (which was mostly cleared but some drifts were evident), during which we found out that school tomorrow will also be canceled, granting me a little stay of execution on A. homework and B. completing my AP Bio work today. Tomorrow, it will be done! We bought a pie on the way home to celebrate.
This doesn't necessarily mean, however, that all the emotional conflict has dissipated. I only think that it has been delayed, which is still problematic at best. I suppose I got the external validation I needed today, which, depressingly and thankfully, has gotten me over some identity issues. The question remains—when will this validation falter, leaving me suddenly on the precipice of a dangerous dive in to nothingness? I do not think this sort of habit can last for long. This is not to mention the relationship stuff, which churns under the surface and most likely will fester again when Denver and prom and whatnot comes. I am reminded of a phrase I saw on the Wikipedia page for the short film Bao which describes, to some extent, Chinese culture—"actions, not words." I strongly feel this sentiment, and yet here I am, writing about how I would like to change or not be myself and not really doing.
Tomorrow, AP Bio homework, robotics, and reading. UChicago results also come out, and I'm probably going to get waitlisted/rejected (just as I expected for MIT), especially because the EA deferral to RA acceptance rate is like 0.5%. It's fine though, because I got my dream school, ever since I was in 8th grade and walking past Stata while at Mathcounts. We'll see how much money it takes to topple the dream, but otherwise, it's time to go back.
Today was a pretty good day. Despite this, I am still kind of internally disappointed/stressed by the emotional rollercoaster I subject myself to sometimes. I think the problem is that I fail to properly label the things I feel—maybe the stress I was feeling about MIT was being displaced towards relationships (although I don't know why it would have chosen this specific direction). Maybe it's just that certain floods of dopamine override/wash out other emotions, and it might just fade with time. I'm not sure.
In any case, today I successfully completed my goal of getting two out of the six schools remaining in the regular round (counting the Columbia likely), because I was accepted to MIT! There's not a 100% chance I end up going here, especially if I get one of Harvard or Stanford, or if I get really good financial aid from a different school, but the odds are bent pretty far in MIT's favor. Here's how the day went:
9:00 AM: Wake up, schedule a Yale interview for 11:00 AM, go back to sleep.
10:00 AM: Get up, eat breakfast, do nothing for a bit, and then get ready for the Yale interview.
11:00 AM: Conduct a twenty minute or so Yale interview, and then begin slow trudge towards doing AP Bio work.
12:00-4:00 PM: Eat lunch. Then begin switching between focused AP Bio work and YouTube videos to keep self distracted and keep time moving. (During this time, I completed and submitted one AP Bio assignment, and got relatively far on another, although its size stressed me out. I just need to do four assignments to be caught up though, so we're pretty close to on track.)
4:00-about 4:24 PM: Refresh decisions in the background occasionally while working slowly through some assignments.
About 4:24 or 4:25 PM (three or four minutes before the alleged release time): Note that the website has changed. Click through before even thinking about the fact that it means decisions have been released.
Thankfully, my autopilot mode check was greeted by an acceptance letter. My productive day essentially stopped there, and after various celebration by and with friends online I went outside and built two mini-snowmen with my sister, and laid inside the 1 in a big 3.14 I wrote in the snow. From there, we went out to dinner in the snow (which was mostly cleared but some drifts were evident), during which we found out that school tomorrow will also be canceled, granting me a little stay of execution on A. homework and B. completing my AP Bio work today. Tomorrow, it will be done! We bought a pie on the way home to celebrate.
This doesn't necessarily mean, however, that all the emotional conflict has dissipated. I only think that it has been delayed, which is still problematic at best. I suppose I got the external validation I needed today, which, depressingly and thankfully, has gotten me over some identity issues. The question remains—when will this validation falter, leaving me suddenly on the precipice of a dangerous dive in to nothingness? I do not think this sort of habit can last for long. This is not to mention the relationship stuff, which churns under the surface and most likely will fester again when Denver and prom and whatnot comes. I am reminded of a phrase I saw on the Wikipedia page for the short film Bao which describes, to some extent, Chinese culture—"actions, not words." I strongly feel this sentiment, and yet here I am, writing about how I would like to change or not be myself and not really doing.
Tomorrow, AP Bio homework, robotics, and reading. UChicago results also come out, and I'm probably going to get waitlisted/rejected (just as I expected for MIT), especially because the EA deferral to RA acceptance rate is like 0.5%. It's fine though, because I got my dream school, ever since I was in 8th grade and walking past Stata while at Mathcounts. We'll see how much money it takes to topple the dream, but otherwise, it's time to go back.
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