230A — You've lost that loving feeling...
There's always that day after a competition—especially those far out of town—where the days of adrenaline coursing through your veins come crashing out and you are left nearly paralyzed for an entire day. Usually, that day is Sunday, and you have to finish all of your homework for tomorrow in a single day. I've written about these kinds of emotions before in posts about "post-debate blues" and whatnot, and today they hit hard. Today wasn't the worst day I've had, but it certainly wasn't the best, either.
I slept in hard today, which is never a great way to start off a recovery. My first act of the day was to eat lunch, around 1:30 in the afternoon, and eventually I got to work around 4 PM or so on actual homework. Surprisingly, my homework load wasn't quite as large as I thought it might be, so I had that going for me, but I would complete a single assignment and then go back to sleep, then do another assignment, and so on and so forth. I got my work done eventually though, and although it may have been slightly sloppy, I think I am now caught up on AP Bio (!!!) and AP Psych. We'll see exactly how that pans out tomorrow, however.
My mental state, however, is that of anxiety. Anxiety about what the immediate future holds, with my eternal truancy with the pit orchestra, and my grades at the end of this semester which could get my offers rescinded, if I'm not careful. Anxiety about what the long-term future holds, between colleges and majors and careers and summer jobs and the cost of attending college and other associated items. Anxiety about decisions—both those made by others about me (Harvard, Yale, Stanford, my RSI staff application, my Presidential Scholars application), and those made by me (whether or not to go to visit Columbia, whether to quit pit and go to CPW, whether or not to go to prom and if so how and with who). Anxiety about relationships with actual human people and screwing up in front of others which I haven't felt so strongly since who knows when. So many of these things involve a fear of missing out, on one event over another, on a new experience over an old one, on letting one group of people down over others.
The conflict between worlds and National Science Bowl grows stronger—I really want to go with the people on my robotics team and experience something new with a wholly different setting and yet I have old friends at Science Bowl and my team there needs me. I can't fathom my current emotional strain and so I resort to escapism—re-watching the matches in Colorado and some of the things we did made me feel like part of such a strong community which I have truly never felt so strongly before (or maybe I have, with RSI, but I don't remember it. It's been so long). I can't replicate that with Science Bowl, and yet I may have to end up going there instead. Maslow's hierarchy of needs may be insanely subjective, but I for one am sure that I am stuck on the "belongingness and love" rung of the ladder. Similarly, an escape to Columbia and NYC would be amazing (and free!), but such a sacrifice of time and energy may not be worth it (especially if it involves missing other events). Sigh. Decisions wrapped in emotions wrapped in decisions. These are all great struggles to have, but they are struggles nonetheless.
This upcoming week will bring many of these answers. Nevertheless, I am stressed out of my mind about it. All we can do is see how it goes. Tomorrow, pit practice, and then unloading at the lab. It'll be a fun day, and (hopefully) most things will go right.
I slept in hard today, which is never a great way to start off a recovery. My first act of the day was to eat lunch, around 1:30 in the afternoon, and eventually I got to work around 4 PM or so on actual homework. Surprisingly, my homework load wasn't quite as large as I thought it might be, so I had that going for me, but I would complete a single assignment and then go back to sleep, then do another assignment, and so on and so forth. I got my work done eventually though, and although it may have been slightly sloppy, I think I am now caught up on AP Bio (!!!) and AP Psych. We'll see exactly how that pans out tomorrow, however.
My mental state, however, is that of anxiety. Anxiety about what the immediate future holds, with my eternal truancy with the pit orchestra, and my grades at the end of this semester which could get my offers rescinded, if I'm not careful. Anxiety about what the long-term future holds, between colleges and majors and careers and summer jobs and the cost of attending college and other associated items. Anxiety about decisions—both those made by others about me (Harvard, Yale, Stanford, my RSI staff application, my Presidential Scholars application), and those made by me (whether or not to go to visit Columbia, whether to quit pit and go to CPW, whether or not to go to prom and if so how and with who). Anxiety about relationships with actual human people and screwing up in front of others which I haven't felt so strongly since who knows when. So many of these things involve a fear of missing out, on one event over another, on a new experience over an old one, on letting one group of people down over others.
The conflict between worlds and National Science Bowl grows stronger—I really want to go with the people on my robotics team and experience something new with a wholly different setting and yet I have old friends at Science Bowl and my team there needs me. I can't fathom my current emotional strain and so I resort to escapism—re-watching the matches in Colorado and some of the things we did made me feel like part of such a strong community which I have truly never felt so strongly before (or maybe I have, with RSI, but I don't remember it. It's been so long). I can't replicate that with Science Bowl, and yet I may have to end up going there instead. Maslow's hierarchy of needs may be insanely subjective, but I for one am sure that I am stuck on the "belongingness and love" rung of the ladder. Similarly, an escape to Columbia and NYC would be amazing (and free!), but such a sacrifice of time and energy may not be worth it (especially if it involves missing other events). Sigh. Decisions wrapped in emotions wrapped in decisions. These are all great struggles to have, but they are struggles nonetheless.
This upcoming week will bring many of these answers. Nevertheless, I am stressed out of my mind about it. All we can do is see how it goes. Tomorrow, pit practice, and then unloading at the lab. It'll be a fun day, and (hopefully) most things will go right.
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