232A — This is just a journey, drop your worries, you are gonna turn out fine...
Today was shaky. It was good in some spots, bad in others, but all-in-all it was at least okay. I'm not really sure how I feel today, and I guess you'll see why soon enough.
Getting up today was rough, as it has been the past few days. (I'm going to sleep early today to counteract that!) I got to school on track with when I usually get there, and I used my time to do...something. I remember activity took place—I don't remember what it was, however, and honestly I doubt that it matters that much. I took a test in AP Psych today, which was relatively easy (as far as I could tell), and proceeded to muddle my way through a relatively slow day in Spanish as well (due to a presentation). We also completed our AP Psych experiment on the AP Calc kids today, which was relatively fun. The data has been interesting so far.
We conducted an ALICE (violent intruder) drill before Orchestra today, and then playing in Orchestra went well enough. We continued our observational study in the library today, during which I graded the experiment's papers. After getting home, I continued to work on those papers, ate lunch, and just generally rested, although I had very limited time to do so. From there, I went to sort music (during which I got through a single piece with an atrocious number of copies) and then went to pit rehearsal, which was relatively slow today, resulting in me almost falling asleep on multiple occasions. I dropped by the house to pick some stuff up and change and headed to a dinner with a recent MIT alum, my MIT interviewer, and two other students from our town that got in (one of whom is on the robotics team!!) by way of the robotics lab, where I dropped some stuff off before darting again. The dinner was very nice, and the conversation was actually really interesting, but a bout of anxiety hit me on the way home, which made driving slightly more difficult, and I've been resting since getting home trying to distribute my emotions in a way that isn't too painful to me. I don't know if that's going to happen, but one can only hope.
The anxiety continues. Picking between attending pit rehearsals and other events is going to kill me first, as will a variety of other items that are also up-and-coming. Anxiety about grades has ebbed a bit, as I've gotten right back on track with most of my classes so far. Anxiety about colleges has also followed suit—I got my MIT financial aid offer today and it's perfectly reasonable, making other decisions from other colleges (however close) less and less important. Worries about my RSI staff and Presidential Scholars continue, but with no clear event horizon, the anxiety has yet to materialize with full force. A few strong decisions remain (whether or not to go to visit Columbia and whether or not to go to prom), but they must and will be resolved in the coming days. The "anxiety about relationships with actual human people and screwing up in front of others," as described in a previous post, continues.
At center stage, the anxiety of making a choice between Worlds and National Science Bowl continues to grow stronger and stronger. We are now definitively going to Detroit for Worlds, which is a 100% perfect overlap in scheduling. I see in this situation a conflict that I've seen many times before: the conflict between the "fun" thing and the thing I feel obligated to do. There is pain either way (see, for example, post #155A, where I immediately regret choosing to participate in debate), but the decision is where the real struggle lays.
In many senses, I am very fortunate to be in this situation, and I honestly don't deserve the support I get from either of the teams. Despite this, it sucks. I have burned so much more time and energy at robotics, but the fact of the matter is that the code works, so I would be adding little additional value in attending, at great expense to the team. Yet, I want to be spending my time with the people I've spent so much time with already, because the "team bonding" works. Detroit and Worlds is new! It's something I've never done before! Everybody on this team cares so much and puts just as much (if not more!) energy into it than I do, and just being in that environment—it feels like home more than anything else (except perhaps RSI) does.
Science Bowl is a different story—I don't put the same energy into it, and yet we still win. The other members of my team obviously care, but the chance we do anything spectacular at Nationals is slim to none, with or without me. The plane tickets are already bought, but they're bought with government money, which, distributed across the tax base of the entire United States, is most likely negligible. I would be letting down a smaller group of people much more significantly, however, and I would also miss out on seeing some of my RSI friends. These arguments feel weaker, but more anchored in reality, and objective truth.
In general, I tend to choose the thing I feel obligated to do. Perhaps it's a collectivist vs. individualist kind of thing, and my identity, being stuck in-between the two, is powerless to make decisions in these scenarios. Maybe it's time to flip the script. Maybe the script exists for good reason. In any case, I had a nice fun cry about the whole thing (as well as having more/better things than I deserve and still not being able to not let anybody down), so that's a great time. I need to make a chart, and I need someone to talk through this with me. (In the end, both decisions will probably result in me having a fun time, but which is better...)
(I think my choices are going to be as follows: Columbia and Worlds or Prom and NSB. The question is which.)
Tomorrow, long pit rehearsals and hopefully nothing else except for this empty anxiety about making decisions. I'm really just looking forwards to Thursday and Friday, when I get to be let down by the colleges I've applied to one last time. That'll snap me out of it. I really hope so, at least.
Getting up today was rough, as it has been the past few days. (I'm going to sleep early today to counteract that!) I got to school on track with when I usually get there, and I used my time to do...something. I remember activity took place—I don't remember what it was, however, and honestly I doubt that it matters that much. I took a test in AP Psych today, which was relatively easy (as far as I could tell), and proceeded to muddle my way through a relatively slow day in Spanish as well (due to a presentation). We also completed our AP Psych experiment on the AP Calc kids today, which was relatively fun. The data has been interesting so far.
We conducted an ALICE (violent intruder) drill before Orchestra today, and then playing in Orchestra went well enough. We continued our observational study in the library today, during which I graded the experiment's papers. After getting home, I continued to work on those papers, ate lunch, and just generally rested, although I had very limited time to do so. From there, I went to sort music (during which I got through a single piece with an atrocious number of copies) and then went to pit rehearsal, which was relatively slow today, resulting in me almost falling asleep on multiple occasions. I dropped by the house to pick some stuff up and change and headed to a dinner with a recent MIT alum, my MIT interviewer, and two other students from our town that got in (one of whom is on the robotics team!!) by way of the robotics lab, where I dropped some stuff off before darting again. The dinner was very nice, and the conversation was actually really interesting, but a bout of anxiety hit me on the way home, which made driving slightly more difficult, and I've been resting since getting home trying to distribute my emotions in a way that isn't too painful to me. I don't know if that's going to happen, but one can only hope.
The anxiety continues. Picking between attending pit rehearsals and other events is going to kill me first, as will a variety of other items that are also up-and-coming. Anxiety about grades has ebbed a bit, as I've gotten right back on track with most of my classes so far. Anxiety about colleges has also followed suit—I got my MIT financial aid offer today and it's perfectly reasonable, making other decisions from other colleges (however close) less and less important. Worries about my RSI staff and Presidential Scholars continue, but with no clear event horizon, the anxiety has yet to materialize with full force. A few strong decisions remain (whether or not to go to visit Columbia and whether or not to go to prom), but they must and will be resolved in the coming days. The "anxiety about relationships with actual human people and screwing up in front of others," as described in a previous post, continues.
At center stage, the anxiety of making a choice between Worlds and National Science Bowl continues to grow stronger and stronger. We are now definitively going to Detroit for Worlds, which is a 100% perfect overlap in scheduling. I see in this situation a conflict that I've seen many times before: the conflict between the "fun" thing and the thing I feel obligated to do. There is pain either way (see, for example, post #155A, where I immediately regret choosing to participate in debate), but the decision is where the real struggle lays.
In many senses, I am very fortunate to be in this situation, and I honestly don't deserve the support I get from either of the teams. Despite this, it sucks. I have burned so much more time and energy at robotics, but the fact of the matter is that the code works, so I would be adding little additional value in attending, at great expense to the team. Yet, I want to be spending my time with the people I've spent so much time with already, because the "team bonding" works. Detroit and Worlds is new! It's something I've never done before! Everybody on this team cares so much and puts just as much (if not more!) energy into it than I do, and just being in that environment—it feels like home more than anything else (except perhaps RSI) does.
Science Bowl is a different story—I don't put the same energy into it, and yet we still win. The other members of my team obviously care, but the chance we do anything spectacular at Nationals is slim to none, with or without me. The plane tickets are already bought, but they're bought with government money, which, distributed across the tax base of the entire United States, is most likely negligible. I would be letting down a smaller group of people much more significantly, however, and I would also miss out on seeing some of my RSI friends. These arguments feel weaker, but more anchored in reality, and objective truth.
In general, I tend to choose the thing I feel obligated to do. Perhaps it's a collectivist vs. individualist kind of thing, and my identity, being stuck in-between the two, is powerless to make decisions in these scenarios. Maybe it's time to flip the script. Maybe the script exists for good reason. In any case, I had a nice fun cry about the whole thing (as well as having more/better things than I deserve and still not being able to not let anybody down), so that's a great time. I need to make a chart, and I need someone to talk through this with me. (In the end, both decisions will probably result in me having a fun time, but which is better...)
(I think my choices are going to be as follows: Columbia and Worlds or Prom and NSB. The question is which.)
Tomorrow, long pit rehearsals and hopefully nothing else except for this empty anxiety about making decisions. I'm really just looking forwards to Thursday and Friday, when I get to be let down by the colleges I've applied to one last time. That'll snap me out of it. I really hope so, at least.
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