235A — House lights shut off, and here we go...
Today was a decent day, defined by decisions (hey look, alliteration!). I'm not entirely satisfied with either of them, but, as "Schuyler Defeated" explains, "sometimes that's how it goes."
This morning was slightly less of a struggle than I had expected it to be, although that doesn't mean that getting up wasn't still difficult. I completely forgot my string sectional in the morning for the pit orchestra, so ended up arriving at school a little later than usual and doing homework. Before school, I had decided to settle my NSB vs. worlds misery with two coin flips. (They both ended up worlds.) Unfortunately, this did not end my misery. I continued to waffle during my first two class periods, and this made remembering what happened in them a little difficult. AP Psych was notes, I'm pretty sure, and Spanish involved a few relatively low-stakes projects that put my grade in the class back up significantly.
I needed a tiebreaker, and that tiebreaker came (surprisingly) in the form of Orchestra. After a class period of limited practice and some sightreading, the Orchestra teacher finally provided the "adult consistent with my world view" take that proved to me I wasn't being totally irrational, and also noted that it was probably better for my section if I miss less school closer to contest. This was, essentially, the tipping point, combined with the fact that the Science Bowl coach was actually very understanding. I walked past a school TV with my picture on it saying "congrats on your 4th trip to National Science Bowl" on the way back from my meeting with the coach, which was eerie. Nevertheless, I drafted the email. I am satisfied with having helped qualify my team to nationals, and to give up my last opportunity to try something new as a senior was something that (when combined with tiebreakers) pushed the decision over the edge. I'm going to worlds.
If it sounds like I'm trying to justify this ex post facto, it's because I probably am. Both the decision process and the decision itself generated a lot of cognitive dissonance for me, and immediately after making it it shook me to my core. There is no sense of joy that comes with making a decision, and I suspect the same will be true with actual college decisions, which are also making their slow but steady death march towards me.
I returned home after that for lunch, and my mother expressed to me the general cognitive attitude I was trying to adopt—the decision has been made, now a) stick with it and b) no regrets. I am still unconvinced there was a right decision in this situation. I had a bunch of thoughts about me trying to reach beyond my "self-actualization" needs to reaching "self-transcendence" needs (Maslow) and that not working, and about the fact that I may be rooted in post-conventional morality (Kohlberg) that too closely mimics or depends on pre-conventional morality. I don't really believe in a lot of psychology's "power" per se, but it does provide a nice set of ways to frame information.
In any case, I returned to the school to sort music, and then play in the pit, which was actually a really nice time, especially because today's rehearsal was slightly shorter and more focused (because it was sans chorus). As I left, I found out I got waitlisted by Stanford. I was a bit disappointed, but honestly some part of me felt a bit of relief. After the decision-making process I went through for something which is—on the grand scale of life—probably not that important, I was not looking forwards to having a complex multifactorial analysis to make. Again, I am in a situation where there is no wrong decision, only better ones. I'm excited now. Harvard or MIT. Hmmm...
I was home for a while, and then (after dinner) I went to a little bit of a robotics get-together, which was fun (and kind of validated my idea that these are the people I want to spend my time with). There were a variety of conversations had and activities done, and I returned home relatively recently. This is honestly slightly earlier than I had expected to return, but I do have a long day tomorrow. I have a meeting at 8 AM with some adMITs, robots afterwards until 1, and then pit orchestra from 2 to 6. Busy, busy. We'll see how it goes.
This morning was slightly less of a struggle than I had expected it to be, although that doesn't mean that getting up wasn't still difficult. I completely forgot my string sectional in the morning for the pit orchestra, so ended up arriving at school a little later than usual and doing homework. Before school, I had decided to settle my NSB vs. worlds misery with two coin flips. (They both ended up worlds.) Unfortunately, this did not end my misery. I continued to waffle during my first two class periods, and this made remembering what happened in them a little difficult. AP Psych was notes, I'm pretty sure, and Spanish involved a few relatively low-stakes projects that put my grade in the class back up significantly.
I needed a tiebreaker, and that tiebreaker came (surprisingly) in the form of Orchestra. After a class period of limited practice and some sightreading, the Orchestra teacher finally provided the "adult consistent with my world view" take that proved to me I wasn't being totally irrational, and also noted that it was probably better for my section if I miss less school closer to contest. This was, essentially, the tipping point, combined with the fact that the Science Bowl coach was actually very understanding. I walked past a school TV with my picture on it saying "congrats on your 4th trip to National Science Bowl" on the way back from my meeting with the coach, which was eerie. Nevertheless, I drafted the email. I am satisfied with having helped qualify my team to nationals, and to give up my last opportunity to try something new as a senior was something that (when combined with tiebreakers) pushed the decision over the edge. I'm going to worlds.
If it sounds like I'm trying to justify this ex post facto, it's because I probably am. Both the decision process and the decision itself generated a lot of cognitive dissonance for me, and immediately after making it it shook me to my core. There is no sense of joy that comes with making a decision, and I suspect the same will be true with actual college decisions, which are also making their slow but steady death march towards me.
I returned home after that for lunch, and my mother expressed to me the general cognitive attitude I was trying to adopt—the decision has been made, now a) stick with it and b) no regrets. I am still unconvinced there was a right decision in this situation. I had a bunch of thoughts about me trying to reach beyond my "self-actualization" needs to reaching "self-transcendence" needs (Maslow) and that not working, and about the fact that I may be rooted in post-conventional morality (Kohlberg) that too closely mimics or depends on pre-conventional morality. I don't really believe in a lot of psychology's "power" per se, but it does provide a nice set of ways to frame information.
In any case, I returned to the school to sort music, and then play in the pit, which was actually a really nice time, especially because today's rehearsal was slightly shorter and more focused (because it was sans chorus). As I left, I found out I got waitlisted by Stanford. I was a bit disappointed, but honestly some part of me felt a bit of relief. After the decision-making process I went through for something which is—on the grand scale of life—probably not that important, I was not looking forwards to having a complex multifactorial analysis to make. Again, I am in a situation where there is no wrong decision, only better ones. I'm excited now. Harvard or MIT. Hmmm...
I was home for a while, and then (after dinner) I went to a little bit of a robotics get-together, which was fun (and kind of validated my idea that these are the people I want to spend my time with). There were a variety of conversations had and activities done, and I returned home relatively recently. This is honestly slightly earlier than I had expected to return, but I do have a long day tomorrow. I have a meeting at 8 AM with some adMITs, robots afterwards until 1, and then pit orchestra from 2 to 6. Busy, busy. We'll see how it goes.
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