238A — Why can't I be poor and healthy...

Today was an okay day. It should've been much better in theory, but mitigating factors, generally emotional, prevented it from being that.

I got up at a reasonable time today and rushed a little bit on the way to school since I needed to make it to a violin sectional for the pit for the musical. From there, I made my way to AP Psych, which was mildly uncomfortable because we were discussing disorders and a) a discussion of anxiety occurred which literally made me increasingly anxious (and she discussed free-floating anxiety, which I definitely have, because it just randomly attaches itself to objects of fixation), and b) there was a relatively flippant mention of homosexuality being on the DSM, which was not necessary and kind of uncomfortable. That, combined with recent thoughts about blood drive, which is the first point of structural homophobia I have truly brushed by, made the morning interesting.

Spanish was a little better—we learned about si frases, which was certainly interesting, since they are extremely useful, and my table had some fun jokes about a scenario where we were "colonizing" a planet. I need to do some homework for that tomorrow morning, but hopefully it won't be too bad. Orchestra was also fine, with a shorter practice and some gradual improvements on our relationships with the music.

I found out during Spanish that I get to be a counselor for RSI 2019! This has a) canceled my trip to National Speech and Debate (oops, sad) but b) meant that my plans for the summer have suddenly crystallized. Only four people from my year got it (two got it from 2017), so I'm super proud and kind of excited about it, although I am nervous about managing children. I'm sure it'll be fine. We'll see how it goes, especially because I will probably straight from Beijing to Boston (possibly via Switzerland), etc. It'll be fun. (I might not be able to write my blog during this time though, because there should be some confidentiality for my kids. I'm not sure. I'm also thinking about taking some of the RSI stuff on this blog off, since it will definitely spoil aspects.)

I spent my lunch not doing anything, during which I should've been spending my time on AP Psych, although I need to work on that. I went to sort music for a little bit at school, dropped my sister off at home, and then went to pit, where we just played today with some various portions of the choir. We moved into the pit at the end, around 5:30, and then I went home. Tomorrow's rehearsal will probably be longer, so that'll be interesting. We'll see how it goes.

I went home and discussed summer plans with my parents, before working a little bit on the AP Psych things. Uggh. Tomorrow is going to be all pit and all AP Psych, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I hate the fact that literally everything is going well for me but I still feel like dying. I hate the fact that people whose opinion I care about devalue my work beyond the point where even I devalue it. I hate the fact that I come home literally every day emotionally (if not physically) exhausted. Maybe I should actually talk to someone qualified to solve my problems with it, but I'm honestly not sure if my problems are that significant. We'll see how it evolves with the summer and with college, with the interplay of stress and freedom. Hm.