395A — Every face along the boulevard is a dreamer just like you...
By the time I go to sleep, today will have been a good day. At the very least, I hope it will have been. Right now, I’m writing this on the top step underneath the columns of Building 10 and the Great Dome, staring out onto the Boston city skyline as the sun prepares to set. It is 6:45 PM, and my next class isn’t until 7:30, in a classroom not too far from here. This is the first time I have taken a purposeful, meaningful break from people in a while, and I suppose that is probably a good thing.
This decision, is of course, not without inspiration. I read this post by one of the newest MIT Admissions bloggers and my acquaintance through a variety of math people, CJ, and I am reminded yet again that I am no longer the best (or perhaps even in the top 10%) at anything anymore here. When blogging decisions came out as they did however long ago, I felt sad. What I had perhaps forgotten is my place—at one of the most prestigious universities in the world, people’s abilities are not to be underestimated. I may enjoy writing, and I may even be decent at it, but at a place like this here will always people who are good. I often struggle to see how I too can become good at anything, and yet in moments I feel as if I could’ve achieved it. The imposter syndrome is strong, eating away at my rational thought, and yet it does not quite permeate my emotion and ego enough for it to dissipate. Maybe if it did, I’d have much worse mental health, but on the other hand, a much more accurate understanding of the world around me.
This was not, of course, the main takeaway from the post. There is so much more encapsulated in it that I have felt, but I would struggle to do any of these thoughts justice when compared to CJ’s writing. Instead, I will tell you about my day, and then, perhaps, continue on to muse about things.
I was rudely awakened today at around 3:45 AM by a fire alarm. At first, I was exceptionally confused about what was happening, but after a voice started blaring over the speakers that the flashing lights and screeching tones were, in fact, just cause for evacuation, I took my glasses and my keys (and my roommate) and we followed the hordes through a relatively inefficient evacuation route into New House, where we were sheltered while the municipal police and fire departments confirmed that there was no fire. After some unknown period of time (my phone was in my room and I was not awake enough to have a sense of time), we returned to Next House, where I returned to my interrupted slumber.
At 8:20 AM, I returned to consciousness, got up, got breakfast, and headed out to my first class of the day, CC.110, an introduction to political philosophy class that has an exceedingly long formal name. I grabbed a copy of The Tech on the way, and solved the kenken and half of the sudoku before class. Today was an introduction first to the class structure and syllabus, before we dived headfirst into the question of what is political philosophy, why study it, why use the Greeks as our foundation, and what obstacles we might have to our readings. It seems like it will be an intense class, but I think I will enjoy it nonetheless. (I had plenty of interesting thoughts about the questions posed today already.) It will be nice to have to think critically about literature again—it’s been a while since AP Lit, and despite the work in that class I actually kind of enjoyed it. Hopefully, however, my books arrive before Tuesday, when the first reading is due. Hm…
CC.110 was followed by a chemistry recitation in the same classroom which moved pretty slowly, although we were told that recitations for this class were optional. I think I’ll be taking the option of working on something else a little more often during this time during the first few units, as I have a decent grasp of what’s happening, although we’ll see what happens as the semester progresses. The problems were reasonably easy, at least for now, and I’m excited to see where the class goes in lecture tomorrow.
I went to lunch at Sebastian’s after recitation, taking advantage of my dining dollars to get some quality pasta and meeting up with some RSI alumni, which was pretty cool. I went from lunch to multi, where I sat with other RSI ’18 kids. The professor was pretty cool, and although we’re obviously starting from the very beginning, it was actually reasonably engaging, as in I did not fall asleep. From there, we headed out to our Mathematics for Computer Science lecture (6.042), which was interesting enough, especially because I was LaTeXing my notes the whole time, which made it particularly difficult. It included some interesting excerpts, such as from Stephen Colbert, but also some basic background for topics that seems like they’ll be much deeper in the future. Unfortunately, the pset is not yet open, so I know not what it implies yet. Interesting.
I went back to Next after this, finished up my multi pset, cleaned up my 6.042 notes, transcribed my chem recitation notes, and grabbed paper to prepare to write up my multi pset more formally, and then went down and ate dinner. I had a relatively “American” dinner to celebrate making it through the second day, and then headed out to Killian steps, where I am now writing this. *sigh.*
I’m writing most of this now in my room at 1:20 AM, although some of it (especially the topic sentences) were written in that particularly contemplative mood.
I made it through most of my evening seminar without passing out, although I slept for like the last 10 minutes. I walked back to Next and just hung out and wrote up pset solutions for a while, before moving to my room to have a long conversation and play a little bit of violin. (Like it or not, I am now signed up for an audition for the Video Game Orchestra on Sunday. Oh boy.) This lasted until way late (read: now), and so I will be going to sleep soon. Hopefully.
Every day here at MIT, whether there are classes or there are not, feels like an eternity. Today was no exception, and I wonder how I will get through the semester (or the seven after it) like this. It is nice to currently still be surviving and kind of on top of things. We'll see how I feel once another two psets come out tomorrow. I trudge from class to class and I wonder how things will go from here. Hell, I'm excited to be here and to learn new things in a challenging environment. Despite this, I can do nothing but worry, as the pace of the day slows to complement the increasing viscosity of the flow of life. More and more things are still coming. Where is the tipping point?
In spite of this fear, I also now live in constant fear of missing out. Events litter my calendar, and scheduling is non-existent. Classes which my friends are also taking are two, three, maybe even four or five semesters down the line for me, and I wonder why I am so far behind. Any and all free time first prioritizes homework, and then life, and then rest. I state this not even having received the first problem sets for two of my classes, on the second day of classes. It will get much worse from here. Despite time being slow, events fly by, and I know not what I can do or accomplish in the right amount of time. More and more emails come in, more and more sign-ups, more and more notes on the planner. We'll see what I remember, and what I forget, and what I purposefully skip over time.
In the rush, the insane becomes mundane. The fact that I am here in the first place is a fluke against all cosmic circumstance. Despite this, with time, it becomes normal, and although perhaps that is a good sign that this is where I belong, it does mean that I feel as if I have become complacent. I stick more closely to familiar sets of people and activities. I want to become someone different, and I am pushing myself to slowly get there. This, however, is difficult. Confronting myself, challenging my precepts and my abilities, is why I choose MIT. Actually having the motivation to do that, however, is a different story, and I'm scared that I'm already losing it. If I wanted someone else to challenge me, I should've gone to Harvard—but if I can't challenge myself, what good is being here? Clubs are a good way to start, and I've met plenty of new friends, but the circle needs to widen, and then ideas I come into contact with need to grow, for me to become a wholly better person. Perhaps CC.110 will also be good for this, as will other classes as they become more difficult. Keeping all of this in mind, however, is the first key.
Entirely separate in concept, I read some disturbing things about Boston Police and a city judge's treatment of protestors of the straight pride parade. This is kind of scary and kind of angers me, and I worry if the environment I thought was entirely inviting may not be as liberal as I thought it was. I think campus is fine, but I worry about the city. I'll write more about this tomorrow, and excerpt an email I'm reading. For now, hm.
Tomorrow, chem lecture, Friday seminar, multi lecture, and 6.042 recitation, before my advising group goes bowling in the evening. Should be a good day. After all, it's Friday!
This decision, is of course, not without inspiration. I read this post by one of the newest MIT Admissions bloggers and my acquaintance through a variety of math people, CJ, and I am reminded yet again that I am no longer the best (or perhaps even in the top 10%) at anything anymore here. When blogging decisions came out as they did however long ago, I felt sad. What I had perhaps forgotten is my place—at one of the most prestigious universities in the world, people’s abilities are not to be underestimated. I may enjoy writing, and I may even be decent at it, but at a place like this here will always people who are good. I often struggle to see how I too can become good at anything, and yet in moments I feel as if I could’ve achieved it. The imposter syndrome is strong, eating away at my rational thought, and yet it does not quite permeate my emotion and ego enough for it to dissipate. Maybe if it did, I’d have much worse mental health, but on the other hand, a much more accurate understanding of the world around me.
This was not, of course, the main takeaway from the post. There is so much more encapsulated in it that I have felt, but I would struggle to do any of these thoughts justice when compared to CJ’s writing. Instead, I will tell you about my day, and then, perhaps, continue on to muse about things.
I was rudely awakened today at around 3:45 AM by a fire alarm. At first, I was exceptionally confused about what was happening, but after a voice started blaring over the speakers that the flashing lights and screeching tones were, in fact, just cause for evacuation, I took my glasses and my keys (and my roommate) and we followed the hordes through a relatively inefficient evacuation route into New House, where we were sheltered while the municipal police and fire departments confirmed that there was no fire. After some unknown period of time (my phone was in my room and I was not awake enough to have a sense of time), we returned to Next House, where I returned to my interrupted slumber.
At 8:20 AM, I returned to consciousness, got up, got breakfast, and headed out to my first class of the day, CC.110, an introduction to political philosophy class that has an exceedingly long formal name. I grabbed a copy of The Tech on the way, and solved the kenken and half of the sudoku before class. Today was an introduction first to the class structure and syllabus, before we dived headfirst into the question of what is political philosophy, why study it, why use the Greeks as our foundation, and what obstacles we might have to our readings. It seems like it will be an intense class, but I think I will enjoy it nonetheless. (I had plenty of interesting thoughts about the questions posed today already.) It will be nice to have to think critically about literature again—it’s been a while since AP Lit, and despite the work in that class I actually kind of enjoyed it. Hopefully, however, my books arrive before Tuesday, when the first reading is due. Hm…
CC.110 was followed by a chemistry recitation in the same classroom which moved pretty slowly, although we were told that recitations for this class were optional. I think I’ll be taking the option of working on something else a little more often during this time during the first few units, as I have a decent grasp of what’s happening, although we’ll see what happens as the semester progresses. The problems were reasonably easy, at least for now, and I’m excited to see where the class goes in lecture tomorrow.
I went to lunch at Sebastian’s after recitation, taking advantage of my dining dollars to get some quality pasta and meeting up with some RSI alumni, which was pretty cool. I went from lunch to multi, where I sat with other RSI ’18 kids. The professor was pretty cool, and although we’re obviously starting from the very beginning, it was actually reasonably engaging, as in I did not fall asleep. From there, we headed out to our Mathematics for Computer Science lecture (6.042), which was interesting enough, especially because I was LaTeXing my notes the whole time, which made it particularly difficult. It included some interesting excerpts, such as from Stephen Colbert, but also some basic background for topics that seems like they’ll be much deeper in the future. Unfortunately, the pset is not yet open, so I know not what it implies yet. Interesting.
I went back to Next after this, finished up my multi pset, cleaned up my 6.042 notes, transcribed my chem recitation notes, and grabbed paper to prepare to write up my multi pset more formally, and then went down and ate dinner. I had a relatively “American” dinner to celebrate making it through the second day, and then headed out to Killian steps, where I am now writing this. *sigh.*
I’m writing most of this now in my room at 1:20 AM, although some of it (especially the topic sentences) were written in that particularly contemplative mood.
I made it through most of my evening seminar without passing out, although I slept for like the last 10 minutes. I walked back to Next and just hung out and wrote up pset solutions for a while, before moving to my room to have a long conversation and play a little bit of violin. (Like it or not, I am now signed up for an audition for the Video Game Orchestra on Sunday. Oh boy.) This lasted until way late (read: now), and so I will be going to sleep soon. Hopefully.
Every day here at MIT, whether there are classes or there are not, feels like an eternity. Today was no exception, and I wonder how I will get through the semester (or the seven after it) like this. It is nice to currently still be surviving and kind of on top of things. We'll see how I feel once another two psets come out tomorrow. I trudge from class to class and I wonder how things will go from here. Hell, I'm excited to be here and to learn new things in a challenging environment. Despite this, I can do nothing but worry, as the pace of the day slows to complement the increasing viscosity of the flow of life. More and more things are still coming. Where is the tipping point?
In spite of this fear, I also now live in constant fear of missing out. Events litter my calendar, and scheduling is non-existent. Classes which my friends are also taking are two, three, maybe even four or five semesters down the line for me, and I wonder why I am so far behind. Any and all free time first prioritizes homework, and then life, and then rest. I state this not even having received the first problem sets for two of my classes, on the second day of classes. It will get much worse from here. Despite time being slow, events fly by, and I know not what I can do or accomplish in the right amount of time. More and more emails come in, more and more sign-ups, more and more notes on the planner. We'll see what I remember, and what I forget, and what I purposefully skip over time.
In the rush, the insane becomes mundane. The fact that I am here in the first place is a fluke against all cosmic circumstance. Despite this, with time, it becomes normal, and although perhaps that is a good sign that this is where I belong, it does mean that I feel as if I have become complacent. I stick more closely to familiar sets of people and activities. I want to become someone different, and I am pushing myself to slowly get there. This, however, is difficult. Confronting myself, challenging my precepts and my abilities, is why I choose MIT. Actually having the motivation to do that, however, is a different story, and I'm scared that I'm already losing it. If I wanted someone else to challenge me, I should've gone to Harvard—but if I can't challenge myself, what good is being here? Clubs are a good way to start, and I've met plenty of new friends, but the circle needs to widen, and then ideas I come into contact with need to grow, for me to become a wholly better person. Perhaps CC.110 will also be good for this, as will other classes as they become more difficult. Keeping all of this in mind, however, is the first key.
Entirely separate in concept, I read some disturbing things about Boston Police and a city judge's treatment of protestors of the straight pride parade. This is kind of scary and kind of angers me, and I worry if the environment I thought was entirely inviting may not be as liberal as I thought it was. I think campus is fine, but I worry about the city. I'll write more about this tomorrow, and excerpt an email I'm reading. For now, hm.
Tomorrow, chem lecture, Friday seminar, multi lecture, and 6.042 recitation, before my advising group goes bowling in the evening. Should be a good day. After all, it's Friday!
Comments
Post a Comment
Comments are appreciated, as long as you're not being a total jerk.