582A — Ki-ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma-ma...

Unlike yesterday's assumption, today was categorically not fine, and, in fact, extremely bad. I've been on the verge of a gradual slide into a mental breakdown since 9:30 AM or so this morning, and it's only gotten worse since. I am extremely tired and I still have another two days of classes to make it through. To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure how I'll survive tomorrow. I'll do it because I have to, but I certainly won't be happy about it.

I got up this morning, ready for a perfectly fine morning after a pretty abysmal night's of sleep and having delayed my alarm through my breakfast time. I headed out at a pretty blistering pace to get to Real Analysis, where today our main points of discussion were about continuity and our continued discussion of the properties of the power series for the exponential function. It was not particularly efficient, but that didn't really matter because I was also pretty distracted throughout the lecture, first by the knowledge that Harvard had canceled all of its classes for the semester, and then by unofficial rumor spreading like wildfire throughout MIT that we would be doing the same by 1 PM.

This was the start of the slide. A looming threat that would confirm our fears. I kept the worry at bay with all of my might, even as it distracted me through a slightly more productive Spanish lecture. I ate lunch with a friend where all we did was try to ignore the elephant in the room. I was on the verge of tears this entire time. What was about to happen? What would it mean? What were the specifics?

Details kept spilling in and out. I headed to physics recitation, where my partner and I drifted quickly through the problems. No email—it was now 1:40 PM. I went to 6.08 lab, where I picked up some materials for the upcoming labs and wired a few of the components on my board, since lab proper had already been canceled due to the coronavirus. I put in about an hour of work or so, and then headed out. I texted one of my friends to see what they were doing and if we could meet and collectively vent, which we did in the 'Intrafinite' (between Building 12 and the Infinite). Lots of screaming and tilting around, before my friend had to go to their next class.

With nothing else to do, I eventually decided to go to Killian Court, emotionally drained. What to do? The grassy patch was filled with students, playing games, relaxing in the sun, everybody on edge. Every single word around me was about coronavirus in some way shape or form. I had a strong sense that my decision to go onto Killian Court was motivated in the same way as everyone else's—an inability to escape the emotional burden of the oncoming disaster.

I worked on Killian Court on some physics problems for about half an hour. At this point, it was 4:40 PM, and still no email. It finally appeared around 4:50 or so, and my heart sunk deeply into my chest as my fears were confirmed. Move out by next Tuesday. Classes cancelled for the next week. Spring break the week after that. All classes virtualized afterwards I forwarded the email to my mother before I had to head into my Associate Advisor interview, which was a very informal questioning session. My mother tried to call me during this time—I called her back as soon as I got out of the interview, and we talked and talked and settled when I would be coming home and I did my best not to have a mental breakdown. It was over. My first academic year, present at MIT, was over. Classes will continue, of course, but they won't be the same. Absolutely not.

I had dinner scheduled for 6 PM with friends, so I bashed out the last problem on my physics problem set before I headed to dinner at McCormick, where we just collectively lost our minds after getting stirfry. A lot of different friends of mine were there and the different ways we were anxious was amazing and combined to not a great time, although the joint suffering was helpful a little bit to relieve stress. Afterwards, I headed to the Concert Choir/Symphony Orchestra joint rehearsal, where we watched in real time as the concert was canceled and a recording was substituted for Thursday.

A fairly downbeat and unproductive rehearsal later, I headed back up to the student center where I charged my dead phone and chilled out for a few minutes before I had to head to my next obligation, a meeting with some random other members of Asymptones to work out our plans for this semester (given our canceled concert) and the semester after it. This was an interesting meeting and included a lot of us being confused and concerned, as seems to be the general state of campus at the moment. We planned a few final events to close out our semester after organizing the voting for the next semester, and then called it a day.

Afterwards, I headed to the student center to call a friend for a while, instead of heading home and having to clean my room and start dealing with the realities of the day. In a similar vein, I proceeded to meet a friend of mine coming back from an on-site interview at Kendall and hung out at their dorm for a while afterwards as well, completing my only homework that had not been pushed back, instead of going home and dealing with reality. In fact, this was part of the reason that the homework had been pushed back—to allow for more time to organize--but I did not have the energy to.do it, and instead "decided to call today off for all work and good decision-making."

I eventually walked home. I played some Mario Kart, talked to some friends, texted others while attempting to write this and just relax from the grind of the day. So much has happened, and I scarcely know what is going to happen in the future. Nobody knows. We're just playing it all by ear. We do know that it'll be ok. Not that we know what we need to do to make it 'ok', nor what 'ok' means, but it will be ok, because it has to be, and therefore we will make it so.