592A — I can't seem to find my way home tonight...
Earlier tonight, I think I believed today had been a pretty decent day. Once again, it seems to me that being awake late and spending time thinking has ruined my emotional state. This time, however, it seems that the thoughts are running in a direction I don't quite understand, and with no one else on this road with me, I stumble out into the dark. For the first time in a while, thoughts first, events later.
I think the title of this blog has long since been overdue for a change. This new one originates, at least for me, from a description of Chinese culture found on the Wikipedia page for the short film Bao. (This specific aspect of Bao is briefly mentioned here and the first mention of the film appears here.) I think it's a good general life philosophy—to do things that actually matter to people, rather than just talk about them. I don't mean that we need to stop talking about problems, but rather that we ought to do things about them (sometimes, the talking is the action). Don't just tell someone that you're there for them—check on them, ask them how they are. Actions, not words.
That doesn't mean I'm totally in touch with everything about this philosophy or how I feel about it—one of the primary reasons I've chosen this blog title is so that it reminds me who I am and what I care about. I think in times of crisis a lot of me has turned to words and not actions, and it's part of the reason I'm so lost now. Where's the boy who in December would've dropped everything for a lost friend? Who dropped by rooms and made sure things were okay and gave advice? So much of that feels like it's gone. Maybe this semester hasn't overwhelmed me with work, but maybe it's robbed something else from me. Maybe in trying to write this, I'm robbing myself of that worth. I'm not sure, but all I do is ask for advice, and hope for the best. I talk, but I don't speak what I actually feel: I don't —maybe can't—communicate with words.
I suspect that some of this is rose-colored glasses. That, for the most part, things haven't changed that much, and I'm just viewing the past as better. Despite this, I still don't necessarily feel good about how I am now, and I suppose that is adequate reason for change. The irony of writing about this on a blog is not lost on me—I've been wondering about the utility of this blog for a while now, especially since, in some sense, it is counterproductive to this mission's essence. In that regard though, I think its primary purpose for me is actually for documentation and to force me to reflect somewhat each day, not necessarily as a showpiece. In times like this, it might distract me more from the actual goal, but in busy times, it's often useful to force oneself to do this.
Actions, not words. To do, and not to say. To act, and not to perform. Perhaps the best way to do this is to go to bed and actually get up in the morning and do things. Maybe I'll try that—and keep the rest of this as short as possible.
I got up this morning around 12 or so after a longer period of sleep that yielded a bad dream and a shorter period of sleep with a better dream. After a little work on Interconnected Embedded Systems (6.08), I ate lunch, and then spent some time on YouTube before alternating between 6.08 and YouTube for essentially the rest of the afternoon. I managed to bang out basically all of the exercises, which is about 15% of the class just permanently done with, and then I returned to working on a design exercise where we were responsible for building a smart lamp.
This was actually a surprisingly satisfying endeavor, and the result was kind of cool. I haven't written everything up yet, and I'll take a video tomorrow which I'll probably post here. Afterwards, I finished up watching the lecture for the week, and then ate dinner, following which I did some marginal work on the physics problem set and called a friend who got into Georgetown today! At some point, my wing decided we were going to have our weekly movie night, so we hopped on a Zoom call.
The quality of the transmission was not optimal, but we watched Spirited Away, which was actually quite good now that I was primed for it. The first time I attempted to watch this movie, I was 7 or 8 and was pretty scarred. This time, I was no longer as scared, and actually really appreciated it all. I cried a little bit towards the end, which was unexpected, and I suspect I'll be listening to the soundtrack more in the coming days. Afterwards, we disbanded and I called some RSI kiddos for a little bit.
I still didn't feel like sleeping after this for some reason, so I browsed YouTube for music and read some old MIT Admissions blog posts and sort of let my emotions deteriorate (one of the many things that caused this—a picture of a room identical to my room from last summer, reminding me of everything I'm still missing about RSI 2019 and everything I'll be missing with the cancellation of RSI 2020), before I finally decided I needed to write this and go to bed. *sigh.*
Tomorrow, day 6.5 of quarantine. Getting done with the larger assignments from 6.08 (i.e. writing things up). Getting more deeply into physics. Watching Tangled with a broader segment of the MIT community. Probably finishing Il Trovatore. Maybe more reading and less YouTube. Hopefully, things will be ok. I suspect that they will be.
I think the title of this blog has long since been overdue for a change. This new one originates, at least for me, from a description of Chinese culture found on the Wikipedia page for the short film Bao. (This specific aspect of Bao is briefly mentioned here and the first mention of the film appears here.) I think it's a good general life philosophy—to do things that actually matter to people, rather than just talk about them. I don't mean that we need to stop talking about problems, but rather that we ought to do things about them (sometimes, the talking is the action). Don't just tell someone that you're there for them—check on them, ask them how they are. Actions, not words.
That doesn't mean I'm totally in touch with everything about this philosophy or how I feel about it—one of the primary reasons I've chosen this blog title is so that it reminds me who I am and what I care about. I think in times of crisis a lot of me has turned to words and not actions, and it's part of the reason I'm so lost now. Where's the boy who in December would've dropped everything for a lost friend? Who dropped by rooms and made sure things were okay and gave advice? So much of that feels like it's gone. Maybe this semester hasn't overwhelmed me with work, but maybe it's robbed something else from me. Maybe in trying to write this, I'm robbing myself of that worth. I'm not sure, but all I do is ask for advice, and hope for the best. I talk, but I don't speak what I actually feel: I don't —maybe can't—communicate with words.
I suspect that some of this is rose-colored glasses. That, for the most part, things haven't changed that much, and I'm just viewing the past as better. Despite this, I still don't necessarily feel good about how I am now, and I suppose that is adequate reason for change. The irony of writing about this on a blog is not lost on me—I've been wondering about the utility of this blog for a while now, especially since, in some sense, it is counterproductive to this mission's essence. In that regard though, I think its primary purpose for me is actually for documentation and to force me to reflect somewhat each day, not necessarily as a showpiece. In times like this, it might distract me more from the actual goal, but in busy times, it's often useful to force oneself to do this.
Actions, not words. To do, and not to say. To act, and not to perform. Perhaps the best way to do this is to go to bed and actually get up in the morning and do things. Maybe I'll try that—and keep the rest of this as short as possible.
I got up this morning around 12 or so after a longer period of sleep that yielded a bad dream and a shorter period of sleep with a better dream. After a little work on Interconnected Embedded Systems (6.08), I ate lunch, and then spent some time on YouTube before alternating between 6.08 and YouTube for essentially the rest of the afternoon. I managed to bang out basically all of the exercises, which is about 15% of the class just permanently done with, and then I returned to working on a design exercise where we were responsible for building a smart lamp.
This was actually a surprisingly satisfying endeavor, and the result was kind of cool. I haven't written everything up yet, and I'll take a video tomorrow which I'll probably post here. Afterwards, I finished up watching the lecture for the week, and then ate dinner, following which I did some marginal work on the physics problem set and called a friend who got into Georgetown today! At some point, my wing decided we were going to have our weekly movie night, so we hopped on a Zoom call.
The quality of the transmission was not optimal, but we watched Spirited Away, which was actually quite good now that I was primed for it. The first time I attempted to watch this movie, I was 7 or 8 and was pretty scarred. This time, I was no longer as scared, and actually really appreciated it all. I cried a little bit towards the end, which was unexpected, and I suspect I'll be listening to the soundtrack more in the coming days. Afterwards, we disbanded and I called some RSI kiddos for a little bit.
I still didn't feel like sleeping after this for some reason, so I browsed YouTube for music and read some old MIT Admissions blog posts and sort of let my emotions deteriorate (one of the many things that caused this—a picture of a room identical to my room from last summer, reminding me of everything I'm still missing about RSI 2019 and everything I'll be missing with the cancellation of RSI 2020), before I finally decided I needed to write this and go to bed. *sigh.*
Tomorrow, day 6.5 of quarantine. Getting done with the larger assignments from 6.08 (i.e. writing things up). Getting more deeply into physics. Watching Tangled with a broader segment of the MIT community. Probably finishing Il Trovatore. Maybe more reading and less YouTube. Hopefully, things will be ok. I suspect that they will be.
W O A H title change
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